So this weekend has been a roller-coaster for me. Hopefully i can finish it talking about it all in 3 long-post installments :) :(
Here I am in what is supposed to be a really happy day and i am so confused about my feelings. They are so mixed that it feels like a whirlpool inside. A jumble of joy, peace, happiness, sadness, anger, guilt, feeling of vulnerability and a whole lot more that have yet to be named.
Let me start from the beginning:
Well,it turns out i did what i wasn't supposed to do and dated the best friend of my ex (it's OK to come with the shocked looks, open mouths and accusing fingers). It's not like i was looking to date him or i was tripping all the while my ex (let's call him Ochan) and i were together. We didn't plan it out or anything like that, like joke, like play oh.
So basically, we had been keeping it under wraps for a while until we could figure it all out, but before that happened (the figuring) i got too guilty to go on. I got too guilty about everything and i'd tried time and again to break it off. For some reason, the best friend ( Let's call him Adam) refused to let it end, and then i would feel real guilty about trying to end it too. Each time i broke it off and told Adam i wanted it to be over, he would give me reasons why we should be together.
The feelings of guilt and dissatisfaction built up so much that it affected everything around me including work and my relationships with everyone around me especially my relationship with God. There was a lot of anger and doubt.
Anger at me for not being strong enough to stand my ground and run him off.
Anger at him for making me feel like this and not letting me go
Sick at both of us for what we were doing.
So what did i do? I prayed. I prayed to God to make him see and feel the way saw and felt.