Now I've been around the earth for almost thirty years, and in all my living and wandering I've seen a lot, read a lot, heard a lot, done a lot and said a lot. Now i may not see or know it all but I know there's a lot more to experience while knowing that these experiences have formed a large part of who I am.
In Keyshia Cole's song 'trust', it just seems like what every guy I've been in any relationship with has been trynna tell me (or maybe I am being too magnanimous with my opinions). Once in a while I try to under-go self appraisal in every department of my life, in the emotions department and relationships sub-unit I have come to realize that i am a major saboteur of the same.
I have been in denial for most of my life; that I am not a product of my past, that my past has in no way shaped or influenced me negatively, that my past is just that, past, that I wouldn't change my past if given the chance to. I have argued time and again that being from an extensively shattered, extremely polygamous home has in no way affected me, my mindset, my attitude to men and relationships. Hogwash!!!!!!!
I find I am wary of every guy I come across that isn't directly related to me (by blood). I am suspicious of every guy I might want to be in relationship with. I prosecute, convict and judge every guy before they even say the first word.
I have survived all of the breaking-up, polygamy, moving in and out of family houses, shuffling and remixing of my family, hurt, pain and much more. I have survived quite alright but I am afraid that beneath all the cosmetic surgery and expensive make-up the scars still remain present and run deep. As a result, I don't think I can survive a bad relationship, though a part of me wants to love and love completely but God help me and the guy who loves me and that I love right back. I dunno if I can believe him even if he repeats Keyshia's words over and over again until they become a mantra.
I still feel that way....
I've seen lotta things in my life
That got me feeling like tis can't be right
You will hurt me
You're down for me (and every other female that bats her eyes at you)