Thursday, October 4, 2012

The Place i visit.

"Suicide is not an option"

How many times have we heard these words? How many times have we ourselves said them? But do we have any idea how cliche they are and how much they've lost their weight?
So someone tells you of all the 'ish' they've had to take, the stuff they're going through and how there seems no hope in sight and you really honestly believe saying 'Suicide is not an option' is going to make any sense to them, going to make them feel better, going to make all the 'ish' magically disappear? Really?! Seriously?!
If you really believe that then i have to ask how naive you are that you don't even know.... to be honest I was of that school of thought myself until this evening.
First of all, let me just say here that this isn't a cry for help. Don't begin to dial any emergency numbers just yet. Not because sometimes i haven't wished my life over, but mostly because you can rest assured I am too chicken to take my own life or inflict any serious pain on myself.
I have a fabulous relationship with God and i am totally committed to Him and He to me. He's like my faithful lover that never leaves me no matter what i do to Him. I said all of this to stop anyone going all evangelical and start preaching at me. I love God and I'm fully aware of how much He loves me (Trust me) but sometimes i get tired of life and all its uncertainties, all its hopelessness and all its hurt and pain and i just wanna give it all up and go meet my lover, my God.
Its worse for me cos i really can't place a finger on what makes me feel this way, all i know I feel listless and helpless and frankly i am tired of feeling this way.
I have a confession; Against all appearances I am NOT a brave and strong woman ( and I am tired of pretending I am) au la contraire. I am the poster child for weak-will and lily-liver (there I got it out, now i can breathe easy). So when life keeps throwing me one punch after another, especially not knowing where the next one is coming from or when or how, i just break down. I mean the first punch has barely landed before the next one follows quickly.
Truth is right now i feel discouraged. Totally. Yeah, I have tried to "encourage myself in the Lord" and that's probably the only reason I'm still sane and breathing, but its this very same word of God that leaves me bound by what i cannot do. I feel lost, caught in-between two worlds and being punished by both.
Heck, I can't even explain how i feel. God help me. I'm just rambling on here.
Oh my! I'm  gonna stop now before i hash up stuff that should stay buried. All week, three songs have been re-echoing in my mind and they are all apt at different seasons for different reasons (don't ask me why, i can't answer that :))
Michael Jackson- Human Nature
Gloria Gaynor- I will survive
Florence+the machines- Shake it out
Father, save me before i get swept up in this flood that threatens to overwhelm me. Before i get swallowed in these trials that sorely tempt me, I need a change, I need help.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Another year, come and gone. Welcome to 2012

So I've been holding out on blogging for a while now, I have very valid, almost legal reasons. 
For the latter part of the last year, I'd been on a roller-coaster of emotions that ended up with me crashing and burning. Truth is, the darn helmet doesn't offer nearly as much protection as they say it does.
Anyways, I know I will come back and talk about it all at another time but the emotions are just so raw right now, it keeps clawing at and leaving deep gashes in my heart. Just gimme some time, let me get my thougths in order. *sighs long and deep*
A heart incident doesn't get any easier as you get older (on the contrary). No, time doesn't make it any better (at least, not significantly). Scars are not less painful than the actual injuries (definitely not the physical appearance of said) and it's possible they may never fade {just needed to get some truths out there}. Like a dull familiar ache, you just have to get used to it.
All I know is as the year ended the one thing I kept thanking God for was that I was able to get through the past year with my mind intact. That was my New Year Miracle!
There were times, especially in last quarter of the year when I really doubted that I would survive between work, relationship, friends and family issues. Times when I just knew it was over. As I lay alone (and lonely) in my hotel room, a few days to the New Year crying from a freshly broken heart, the only thing I could ask was for God to help me keep my head, keep me from losing my mind, give me strength and will 'cos I was all out!
2011 was a difficult year for me all around, tasking my heart far more than i ever thought possible or far more than I would have liked so from this moment on, New year or no, I'm gonna start living for ME and me alone. I have named 2012 the Year of the goddess that is ME. No more relationships that spurn me or my beliefs. I have learned that being Single is truly having the courage to say NO to being taken for granted, Courage to say NO to being deserving of less than the best thing for me. So I am embracing and adoring the Goddess that I am, No offense and No apologies. Gonna start living for me.
I dunno when or how this present pain will go away but I will do my damnedest to make it the very least of my worries. 
This song "Imagine Me" by Kirk Franklin gives me all the strength I need to go on right now. The past, the pain, the worries,'s all left behind. You can find the lyrics to the song here