Thursday, June 30, 2011

A thank you note.

To Adam (read about him here and here),

Thank you for letting me see that God really does answer prayers.
Thank you for understanding the struggles i had.
Thank you for trying to change to fit into a mould you thought i wanted
Thank you for fighting time and again to stay with me
Thank you for putting up with the horrible things i did and still seeing that it wasn't really me.
Thank you for thanking me for being with you
Thank you for helping me pass this test (i think)
Thank you for setting me free from the chains i bound myself in.
Most importantly thank you for listening to the voice of God and doing what you did even though you didn't have to.


So where was I..... Ah i remember now:

Anyways, all this while i tried and did everything to make him break up with me (trust me, everything in the book) but still for some reason he kept coming back. And still i prayed some more. My prayer was for him to get to a point where we could break up (hopefully, amicably, but if not anyways) but still be OK with each other because he really isn't a bad person.
Fast forward to today; So i was in church and the message of the day was talking about having 'buts' in our lives and getting rid of those 'buts' and it really hit home with me and i really needed this to be over and done with and i prayed again.
As soon as i got home, i called Adam cos i felt we needed to talk but couldn't get through to him. About an hour later he calls and says in the most amicable manner how he was in church and the message of the day got to him and had him thinking...long story short he feels like we should be just friends. It completely stunned me, not because i was upset but because it was just soooo surprising but i have never been gladder.
Glad because God obviously does answer prayers.
Glad because He has no reason to but God really does pay attention to my seemingly silly pleas
Glad because it is finally over
Glad because a burden has been lifted off my shoulders
Glad because the lies are finally over
Glad because now i know that new and better things are coming my way
Glad to be openly and completely single
A little bit hurt definitely (breaking up is never easy) but i know this is the right thing to do and i am on the right path finally and i am glad about that too.
For the first time in a long time i can be naked and unashamed, free to be.
A little nervous cos i feel vulnerable to Adam, like he knows my weaknesses and i am filled with trepidation about stepping out into this new 'place' without him but it sure feels like sunshine is at my doorstep. and i can fly on the wings of the winds. So light and breezy, no greater feeling and I'm loving it.


So this weekend has been a roller-coaster for me. Hopefully i can finish it talking about it all in 3 long-post installments :) :(

Here I am in what is supposed to be a really happy day and i am so confused about my feelings. They are  so mixed that it feels like a whirlpool inside. A jumble of joy, peace, happiness, sadness, anger, guilt, feeling of vulnerability and a whole lot more that have yet to be named.
Let me start from the beginning:
Well,it turns out i did what i wasn't supposed to do and dated the best friend of my ex (it's OK to come with the shocked looks, open mouths and accusing fingers). It's not like i was looking to date him or i was tripping all the while my ex (let's call him Ochan) and i were together. We didn't plan it out or anything like that, like joke, like play oh.
So basically, we had been keeping it under wraps for a while until we could figure it all out, but before that happened (the figuring) i got too guilty to go on. I got too guilty about everything and i'd tried time and again to break it off. For some reason, the best friend ( Let's call him Adam) refused to let it end, and then i would feel real guilty about trying to end it too. Each time i broke it off and told Adam i wanted it to be over, he would give me  reasons why we should be together.
The feelings of guilt and dissatisfaction built up so much that it affected everything around me including work and my relationships with everyone around me especially my relationship with God. There was a lot of anger and doubt.
Anger at me for not being strong enough to stand my ground and run him off.
Anger at him for making me feel like this and not letting me go
Sick at both of us for what we were doing.
So what did i do? I prayed. I prayed to God to make him see and feel the way saw and felt.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Random Incoherent Ramblings.

RIR....hmmm, kinda sounds like R & R (rest and relaxation). I wish, but they are so far apart in meaning in this instance because now, I JUST WANT TO VENT.
Anyways, like i said, this is just a bunch of randomly thrown together ramblings and if my thoughts turn out to be coherent, then.....Hallelujah!
So i have this issue where i literally cry more than the bereaved, as in, take chemo for another person's toothache. Where i take panadol for someone else's headache, wonder why the person is't getting better and so i keep taking the panadol until i OD on the prescription. Am i making sense yet?
See, it's like this: When i have a friend, fortunately or unfortunately i tend to care A LOT about them. No half measures with me oh, either i'm all in or all out. So when i care about them, i also care about what bothers them, their passions, their cares and i just want to know and help them be the best the can be and know their lives are better for it even if a teensy weensy bit.
Now if this person, in one of our discussions, happens to tell me a hope they have, a dream they are building,a wish they are nursing(you know what i mean)-even if just in passing-na there wahala start because i will also nurse that hope for them sotay...such that my every waking thought and passing fancy will be how to build towards that goal. The little contibuting factors to the dream are top prority for me, replaying the discussionover and over in my head. I'm working out stuff for them in my head; what they can do, who they can meet, how they can be, a book they can read, what they can say and all what not.
Now after a while i tend to realize this person is not 'running with the vision as fasta s i think they should be and then i am frustrated, "Can't you see as far as i can see? Why won't you do what i think you should be doing? Don't you want this thing badly enough?", and i am pulling my hair out in every direction because i expect so much more-i admit that sometimes, i think it's possible i get a tad bit overbearing about it, just a tad bit oh- but i just believe you need to throw all your weight behind your dreams. Do everything humanly possible,every single thing within your human capacity to bring them to reality, you know? Only then can you leave the rest for God and trust him. Make it easy for God to help you, is all i'm saying for crying out loud.
Worse still if the person isn't running as fast as i feel they should be, i tend to get angry with them . When i get to this point, i just drop everything, walk away and never look back again. No care and concern, not an inkling of the previous passions (in true fact i just feel like it's hopeless).
I think i need a therapist. Do i have a major problem? How can i solve it? How do i not-care? How do i detach myself enough? Please i need answers and i need help, it's killing me here.
WHAT DO I DO????????