Another year, come and gone. Welcome to 2012

So I've been holding out on blogging for a while now, I have very valid, almost legal reasons. 

For the latter part of the last year, I'd been on a roller-coaster of emotions that ended up with me crashing and burning. Truth is, the darn helmet doesn't offer nearly as much protection as they say it does.

Anyways, I know I will come back and talk about it all at another time but the emotions are just so raw right now, it keeps clawing at and leaving deep gashes in my heart. Just gimme some time, let me get my thougths in order. *sighs long and deep*

A heart incident doesn't get any easier as you get older (on the contrary). No, time doesn't make it any better (at least, not significantly). Scars are not less painful than the actual injuries (definitely not the physical appearance of said) and it's possible they may never fade {just needed to get some truths out there}. Like a dull familiar ache, you just have to get used to it.

All I know is as the year ended the one thing I kept thanking God for was that I was able to get through the past year with my mind intact. That was my New Year Miracle!

There were times, especially in last quarter of the year when I really doubted that I would survive between work, relationship, friends and family issues. Times when I just knew it was over. As I lay alone (and lonely) in my hotel room, a few days to the New Year crying from a freshly broken heart, the only thing I could ask was for God to help me keep my head, keep me from losing my mind, give me strength and will 'cos I was all out!

2011 was a difficult year for me all around, tasking my heart far more than i ever thought possible or far more than I would have liked so from this moment on, New year or no, I'm gonna start living for ME and me alone. I have named 2012 the Year of the goddess that is ME. No more relationships that spurn me or my beliefs. I have learned that being Single is truly having the courage to say NO to being taken for granted, Courage to say NO to being deserving of less than the best thing for me. So I am embracing and adoring the Goddess that I am, No offense and No apologies. Gonna start living for me.

I dunno when or how this present pain will go away but I will do my damnedest to make it the very least of my worries. 

This song "Imagine Me" by Kirk Franklin gives me all the strength I need to go on right now. The past, the pain, the worries, yesterday.....it's all left behind. You can find the lyrics to the song here

All in good time.

One thing we've neglected to learn (apart from our rights)...:
When to shut up.
When to speak up
When to Stay away
When to show face
You can't win all battles by sheer will of strenght
Some battles-and i daresay wars-are won by common sense and wisdom.

Dilemma of a single girl

- The temptation to settle for less.
- The pressure from everyone around you to "reduce your standards"
- The view from everyone that you are not serious.
Versus
- The nagging need for companionship
- The tick tock of the absurd 'biological clock'
- These darn hormones raging like was going out of fashion
- And finally those pesky statistics that a man (quite obviously) made up specially to scare the pants off us.
 So i heard this piece by Janette....ikz of P4CM and it reminded me why i should stay focused and on track and how easy it is to do so....Just say NO!
Earlier this year i made the resolution to always do right (as much as is within my superhuman capabilities *wink wink*) and to always say the truth no matter how hard it is and who might get hurt, all the while being mindful of others (in other words, not to be an insensitive beyotche) knowing that the only way to be original is to be truthful in the famous words of C. S. Lewis.
I want to live.
I want to live well
I want to live fully.
I most definitely want to live long.
When you're single....Heck! what do i really know of it. I'm not an authority on Single-dom ( I am not a movie-stereotype of a spinster int he Big city) I'm just trying to navigate it's murky waters myself. That is not to mistake that i'm an authority on committment-hood either (no siree!, in fact marriage and committed relationships used to scare the sense off me), that was until i met someone i am convinced must be an Angel (another story for another day)
Anyways find a video below that keeps me going. It's a spoken word piece by Janette...Ikz (mentioned above) titled 'I will wait for you'. I hope it can feed someone's soul like it has done mine. :)
Xoxo

Things no one ever told me

When you're young and starting out in Life, no one ever tells you that the people you've known and loved all of your life, the ones you never knew you could live without will someday leave your life: Sometimes they move, sometimes you move, sometimes you drift apart. Sometimes they want to, sometimes you want them to, sometimes you need them to end. Sometimes, even more finally, they die.
I have, however, learned that even though you never expect this to happen-you hope even that it never happens-it does happen and most times there is nothing you can do about it. In all of these happenings, I have also learned that you survive each and every 'leaving', each and every season, each and every encounter.
I can't promise that it gets easier with time. I can't promise that the dull nagging ache will eventually leave your heart. I definitely can't promise that the 'leaving' will end soon enough, but what i can promise is that it will not kill you and that whatever does not kill you surely will make you stronger. I can also guarantee that sometimes the 'leaving' creates a little more room to encounter the vast riches of the human experience; where knowing people has it's seasons and is usually for a reason. I can say it leaves no room for doubt that when the rubber hits the road the only person you have for sure is you and God, so you might as well nurture that relationship. I can also say that every chance encounter is not without its purpose.
After all is said and done, it makes you a stronger, wiser, richer and more mature person and i sure as anything can guarantee that all of this is worth every throbbing ache you'd ever feel.
I should know!

Please forgive me.

Xxxx
When I saw you lying on that hospital bed reality hit me, hard. I realized how close i was to losing you forever. I knew i couldn't go another day without saying what I've needed to say for the longest time. These words are my own, from my heart: 

For every furrow I ever put in your brow.

For every teardrop I let come to your eye.

For every frown I ever let crease your face.

For every word of anger I let come from your lips.

For every nick I put in your heart.

For every sour taste I left in your mouth.

For every memory I left in your thought.

For every restless night I gave you.

For every worrisome day I caused you.

For not letting you know how much you mean to me.

For loving you a little too much for your good.

For every moment of regret I made you feel.

For not leaving your life better than I met it.

For ever hurting you in even the slightest way.

For everything wrong I ever did.

For everything right I'd never do.

For all of these and more,

With my hat (and gloves) in hand, my puppy dog face in place, fingers pulling at my ears...I am really truly very sorry and I apologize for being my selfish, silly, reckless self.

In case I never let you know before, I cared for you-a great deal-and I probably always will. It never wavered and it endures still.

Please forgive me for being typically me. :(
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Bleeding Heart

My heart bleeds red hot tears for Northern Nigeria;
For all the lives lost in this mindless battle
For the floods of tears from the eyes of the bereaved mothers.
For the pain that fills the hearts of the widows
For the unsung hurt the men are ashamed to feel
For the shaking and the shivering, the tremors felt all over, not because of the cold weather but because of the inexplicable pain that the mind cannot comprehend.
For the anger, the malice and the misunderstood judgement weaved into the fabrics of the hearts of the ones who are supposed to be proponents of peace.
For the fear and insecurity in the eyes of the children who are unsure of what grave sins the past committed to warrant such a bloody present and the reality of an undecided future.
For the despair of the father for the fate of the family he is unable to protect.
My heart bleeds for Northern Nigeria. Red hot tears for my beloved Northern Nigeria. My pride. My Beauty. My Regal Queen. The Majestic crown on the pate of Nigeria.
For Abuja, for Jos, for Maiduguri, for Kaduna, our princesses stumbling off their royal steeds, our joy.
I still believe that someday, like a phoenix, Nigeria shall rise out of the ashes that bemoan Her battered past and like the legendary Spirit(stallion of the cimarron) ride back into promises untold.

I especially love this song because it shows us a part of Africa (Nigeria too) we'd like to believe isn't there. A part of us we wish we could ignore. A part of us we don't like to take responsibility for. If we don't stand our ground and protect our portion, our land, who will? This isn't the time to be calm and suave when our house is caving in over our heads.

Featured Writer: Paulo Coelho- Closing cycles

So I recently discovered this amazing Author, Paulo Coelho. His Blogs and tweets and writings and thoughts are not only amazing and deep but his insights are oh so inspirational. The most fascinating thing is how timely finding this particular post was for me. I have been going through a moulting stage in my life and that is usually the most difficult phase (Ask any full grown insect). After a while, "...the only constant thing in life is change (and death and taxes)..." becomes a cliche means nothing, but this puts it all out in a different light for me and more importantly teaches me to get through the changing peaks and valleys that is life. We all know the dynamics of changing seasons can be frustrating. So here's hoping this gives someone a little more understanding like it has done me.

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.
Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened.

You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister.
Everyone is finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home.

Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.
Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them.

Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood.

Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.”

Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back.
Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need.
This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.

Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

Happy new you People!