Saturday, March 27, 2010

Trust

I know you've seen lotta things in your life
That got you feeling like this can't be right
I won't hurt you, I'm down for you baby,
-Keyshia Cole

Now I've been around the earth for almost thirty years, and in all my living and wandering I've seen a lot, read a lot, heard a lot, done a lot and said a lot. Now i may not see or know it all but I know there's a lot more to experience while knowing that these experiences have formed a large part of who I am.

In Keyshia Cole's song 'trust', it just seems like what every guy I've been in any relationship with has been trynna tell me (or maybe I am being too magnanimous with my opinions). Once in a while I try to under-go self appraisal in every department of my life, in the emotions department and relationships sub-unit I have come to realize that i am a major saboteur of the same.

I have been in denial for most of my life; that I am not a product of my past, that my past has in no way shaped or influenced me negatively, that my past is just that, past, that I wouldn't change my past if given the chance to. I have argued time and again that being from an extensively shattered, extremely polygamous home has in no way affected me, my mindset, my attitude to men and relationships. Hogwash!!!!!!!

I find I am wary of every guy I come across that isn't directly related to me (by blood). I am suspicious of every guy I might want to be in relationship with. I prosecute, convict and judge every guy before they even say the first word.

I have survived all of the breaking-up, polygamy, moving in and out of family houses, shuffling and remixing of my family, hurt, pain and much more. I have survived quite alright but I am afraid that beneath all the cosmetic surgery and expensive make-up the scars still remain present and run deep. As a result, I don't think I can survive a bad relationship, though a part of me wants to love and love completely but God help me and the guy who loves me and that I love right back. I dunno if I can believe him even if he repeats Keyshia's words over and over again until they become a mantra.

I still feel that way....

I've seen lotta things in my life

That got me feeling like tis can't be right

You will hurt me

You're down for me (and every other female that bats her eyes at you)

Xxxx

9 comments:

Jaycee said...

Awww...

You will be fine, if you believe that you will...

Wise Sage said...

Thanks jay, I really hope so.

Myne Whitman said...

This can be different if you change your state of mind. Do give some of the better guys a chance at least.

Have a nice week dear and thanks for the comments on cupid's risk.

Omotee! said...

really nice piece, know it came from the heart. but dont give up on love, they're not all bad.

have a great month.

PS: nice blog

2cute4u said...

This really happens to people with the kind of childhood you had..
I was that way too and still had hope, still do.
Just look to God.

Wise Sage said...

@Myne- How's a girl to tell one from the other, really?
@Omotee- Thanks, will try.:)
@2cute4u- God is the only reason i can still hold on in the first place, its great to know i'm not alone in this, care to trade your survival tips with me, aside from what we already know and have tried to live?

F said...

Hmmm... True talk!!! It's the same game they all spit before they turn out to be just like the last one... Na wa for them... I guess being wary is different from being closed-minded sha... We can be smart without shutting guys out. At least, Yourba people say "ti a ba diju keni buruku koja, olore na ma tele ti a o ni mo"... Trying to avoid heartbreak might result in losing a blessing... Only God can lead us aright sha. :)

My world said...

I love that song too,it makes too much sense!

but yes,hang-in there,you'll do just fine,dear :-))

sosexy said...

ReLAX YOU'D BE OKAY..