Trust

I know you've seen lotta things in your life

That got you feeling like this can't be right

I won't hurt you, I'm down for you baby,

-Keyshia Cole

Now I've been around the earth for almost thirty years, and in all my living and wandering I've seen a lot, read a lot, heard a lot, done a lot and said a lot. Now i may not see or know it all but I know there's a lot more to experience while knowing that these experiences have formed a large part of who I am.

In Keyshia Cole's song 'trust', it just seems like what every guy I've been in any relationship with has been trynna tell me (or maybe I am being too magnanimous with my opinions). Once in a while I try to under-go self appraisal in every department of my life, in the emotions department and relationships sub-unit I have come to realize that i am a major saboteur of the same.

I have been in denial for most of my life; that I am not a product of my past, that my past has in no way shaped or influenced me negatively, that my past is just that, past, that I wouldn't change my past if given the chance to. I have argued time and again that being from an extensively shattered, extremely polygamous home has in no way affected me, my mindset, my attitude to men and relationships. Hogwash!!!!!!!

I find I am wary of every guy I come across that isn't directly related to me (by blood). I am suspicious of every guy I might want to be in relationship with. I prosecute, convict and judge every guy before they even say the first word.

I have survived all of the breaking-up, polygamy, moving in and out of family houses, shuffling and remixing of my family, hurt, pain and much more. I have survived quite alright but I am afraid that beneath all the cosmetic surgery and expensive make-up the scars still remain present and run deep. As a result, I don't think I can survive a bad relationship, though a part of me wants to love and love completely but God help me and the guy who loves me and that I love right back. I dunno if I can believe him even if he repeats Keyshia's words over and over again until they become a mantra.

I still feel that way....

I've seen lotta things in my life

That got me feeling like tis can't be right

You will hurt me

You're down for me (and every other female that bats her eyes at you)

Xxxx

Truth is relative

Like I always say, 'Tell yourself a lie often enough and it could become the truth...to you at least'. I mean, who's to say blue is blue and green is green? How do we know that lilac isn't really crimson, magenta really mauve and tangerine, beige?

Your law is a law unto yourself until I, by choice or circumstance, choose to be bound by your constitution. If I don't want to be bound by the Nigerian constitution I could move to Egypt.

Much as I agree that without laws and penalties chaos is inevitable, yet I ask 'who makes up the rules?' Why should I be subject to a fallible man's choices and opinion on what/who is right and wrong (and these are mostly whimsical)?'

Does that make me a rebel? Maybe. Does that make me irrational? Absolutely not.

Quote mi...

I think you should do what makes you happy and doing what makes you happy is sometimes scarier and harder than doing what is safe-Anonymous

After the fat lady sings....

When the music fades, and the curtains are drawn. When the crowd dissipates, albeit slowly, endlessly but eventually. When the darkness descends like a veil and the subsequent silence permeates even to your innards, You are aware of the solitude into your soul. After all is said and done, all you have left are the memories.

The memories...your memories; the good, the bad, the ugly and the scary. Like a lonely desperate housewife watching re-runs of her favourite soap opera, these memories keep you going. They make the saying "what doesn't kill you,makes you stronger" ring true even in your own situation.

These memories help you come to the realization that no matter how good or bad your issues are, you are gonna get through them and with fond memories too. They make you see things in a lighter perspective, knowing that these things don't last forever. Nothing lasts forever, not winter and not summer, but your thoughts are gonna be with you for always.

When my day is done, late at night, i try to reflect on my life; Past, present and future. I hang on to these memories. The good times I remember overwhelms the bad ones. The nasty scary things I've been through, the stupid foolish things I've done cannot be too much for the good ones to overshadow. So i know now that no matter how bad i feel now, it own't last long. Eventually all the pain will go away and all that will be left with me are my memories.

Life is a long road that i'm gonna have to keep walking; no options, no alternatives. Love is a journey that i'm gonna have to undertake, God help me. On this journey along this road there'll be bumps and stops but like a wise person once told me, "it's all bus-stops taking you on to the next one". I'm gonna have to keep walking on the lonely pilgrimage. The bend on the road ain't the end of the road, so i'll take this trip with my memories as my hitch-hiking partner and i'll be loving every minute of it.