Letters to my Ex

Hey!

Can we talk?

I really hope that we can. Why? 'Cos I miss you

I had a really great friend and I miss him. A lot

Let me say right now that this isn't an appeal or hope for another go at it, another swing at the ball but really (I think we both established the ignominy of that journey for both of us) for all it's worth I grew used to and very fond of you.

I mean when it first happened, I almost hated you (or so i thought) but I forgave you all to quickly, I kept wondering how and why but I guess this really proves the theory that when you really love someone you can't stay mad at them (it has happened to me now more than once, once with my Dad and now with you). Let's just say I'm learning to not bother getting mad at those I love or maybe I'm learning to measure the degree of Love by the length of time I can stay mad at those (insane I know)

Anyways enough with the mad gist; the reason I wanted to talk to you now, the reason I called when I did, the reason I replied your text is to say I MISS YOU.

I miss my sarky friend with his wry –British - sense of humour and quick wit. I miss his cute smile and his very interesting albeit lopsided view on life and things. I miss your fresh outlook on most things I would otherwise take for granted. I miss your wit (have I mentioned that) and wisdom.

I miss being able to text you, trying to distract you when you’re off at school. I miss cutting into your “marking and scoring” times when you have all those papers to grade. I miss calling you up in the morning just so I can hear your grumpy voice (you wishing by this time that I’d drop off the side of a cliff in your head as punishment for waking you up. lol)

I miss talking to you about any and every thing, even things I am too shy to ordinarily talk about. I miss you talking to me and running your plans by me and pretending to take my opinions into account (yeah, I knew that). I miss your voice, your laugh.

Quite simply, or not quite so, I miss you.

So I guess what I’m saying is can we be friends, No strings attached? Is it even possible?

I just want to be able to talk to you again.

The Place i visit.

"Suicide is not an option"

How many times have we heard these words? How many times have we ourselves said them? But do we have any idea how cliche they are and how much they've lost their weight?
So someone tells you of all the 'ish' they've had to take, the stuff they're going through and how there seems no hope in sight and you really honestly believe saying 'Suicide is not an option' is going to make any sense to them, going to make them feel better, going to make all the 'ish' magically disappear? Really?! Seriously?!
If you really believe that then i have to ask how naive you are that you don't even know.... to be honest I was of that school of thought myself until this evening.
First of all, let me just say here that this isn't a cry for help. Don't begin to dial any emergency numbers just yet. Not because sometimes i haven't wished my life over, but mostly because you can rest assured I am too chicken to take my own life or inflict any serious pain on myself.
I have a fabulous relationship with God and i am totally committed to Him and He to me. He's like my faithful lover that never leaves me no matter what i do to Him. I said all of this to stop anyone going all evangelical and start preaching at me. I love God and I'm fully aware of how much He loves me (Trust me) but sometimes i get tired of life and all its uncertainties, all its hopelessness and all its hurt and pain and i just wanna give it all up and go meet my lover, my God.
Its worse for me cos i really can't place a finger on what makes me feel this way, all i know I feel listless and helpless and frankly i am tired of feeling this way.
I have a confession; Against all appearances I am NOT a brave and strong woman ( and I am tired of pretending I am) au la contraire. I am the poster child for weak-will and lily-liver (there I got it out, now i can breathe easy). So when life keeps throwing me one punch after another, especially not knowing where the next one is coming from or when or how, i just break down. I mean the first punch has barely landed before the next one follows quickly.
Truth is right now i feel discouraged. Totally. Yeah, I have tried to "encourage myself in the Lord" and that's probably the only reason I'm still sane and breathing, but its this very same word of God that leaves me bound by what i cannot do. I feel lost, caught in-between two worlds and being punished by both.
Heck, I can't even explain how i feel. God help me. I'm just rambling on here.
Oh my! I'm  gonna stop now before i hash up stuff that should stay buried. All week, three songs have been re-echoing in my mind and they are all apt at different seasons for different reasons (don't ask me why, i can't answer that :))
Michael Jackson- Human Nature
Gloria Gaynor- I will survive
Florence+the machines- Shake it out
Father, save me before i get swept up in this flood that threatens to overwhelm me. Before i get swallowed in these trials that sorely tempt me, I need a change, I need help.
Amen.

Another year, come and gone. Welcome to 2012

So I've been holding out on blogging for a while now, I have very valid, almost legal reasons. 

For the latter part of the last year, I'd been on a roller-coaster of emotions that ended up with me crashing and burning. Truth is, the darn helmet doesn't offer nearly as much protection as they say it does.

Anyways, I know I will come back and talk about it all at another time but the emotions are just so raw right now, it keeps clawing at and leaving deep gashes in my heart. Just gimme some time, let me get my thougths in order. *sighs long and deep*

A heart incident doesn't get any easier as you get older (on the contrary). No, time doesn't make it any better (at least, not significantly). Scars are not less painful than the actual injuries (definitely not the physical appearance of said) and it's possible they may never fade {just needed to get some truths out there}. Like a dull familiar ache, you just have to get used to it.

All I know is as the year ended the one thing I kept thanking God for was that I was able to get through the past year with my mind intact. That was my New Year Miracle!

There were times, especially in last quarter of the year when I really doubted that I would survive between work, relationship, friends and family issues. Times when I just knew it was over. As I lay alone (and lonely) in my hotel room, a few days to the New Year crying from a freshly broken heart, the only thing I could ask was for God to help me keep my head, keep me from losing my mind, give me strength and will 'cos I was all out!

2011 was a difficult year for me all around, tasking my heart far more than i ever thought possible or far more than I would have liked so from this moment on, New year or no, I'm gonna start living for ME and me alone. I have named 2012 the Year of the goddess that is ME. No more relationships that spurn me or my beliefs. I have learned that being Single is truly having the courage to say NO to being taken for granted, Courage to say NO to being deserving of less than the best thing for me. So I am embracing and adoring the Goddess that I am, No offense and No apologies. Gonna start living for me.

I dunno when or how this present pain will go away but I will do my damnedest to make it the very least of my worries. 

This song "Imagine Me" by Kirk Franklin gives me all the strength I need to go on right now. The past, the pain, the worries, yesterday.....it's all left behind. You can find the lyrics to the song here

All in good time.

One thing we've neglected to learn (apart from our rights)...:
When to shut up.
When to speak up
When to Stay away
When to show face
You can't win all battles by sheer will of strenght
Some battles-and i daresay wars-are won by common sense and wisdom.

Dilemma of a single girl

- The temptation to settle for less.
- The pressure from everyone around you to "reduce your standards"
- The view from everyone that you are not serious.
Versus
- The nagging need for companionship
- The tick tock of the absurd 'biological clock'
- These darn hormones raging like was going out of fashion
- And finally those pesky statistics that a man (quite obviously) made up specially to scare the pants off us.
 So i heard this piece by Janette....ikz of P4CM and it reminded me why i should stay focused and on track and how easy it is to do so....Just say NO!
Earlier this year i made the resolution to always do right (as much as is within my superhuman capabilities *wink wink*) and to always say the truth no matter how hard it is and who might get hurt, all the while being mindful of others (in other words, not to be an insensitive beyotche) knowing that the only way to be original is to be truthful in the famous words of C. S. Lewis.
I want to live.
I want to live well
I want to live fully.
I most definitely want to live long.
When you're single....Heck! what do i really know of it. I'm not an authority on Single-dom ( I am not a movie-stereotype of a spinster int he Big city) I'm just trying to navigate it's murky waters myself. That is not to mistake that i'm an authority on committment-hood either (no siree!, in fact marriage and committed relationships used to scare the sense off me), that was until i met someone i am convinced must be an Angel (another story for another day)
Anyways find a video below that keeps me going. It's a spoken word piece by Janette...Ikz (mentioned above) titled 'I will wait for you'. I hope it can feed someone's soul like it has done mine. :)
Xoxo

Things no one ever told me

When you're young and starting out in Life, no one ever tells you that the people you've known and loved all of your life, the ones you never knew you could live without will someday leave your life: Sometimes they move, sometimes you move, sometimes you drift apart. Sometimes they want to, sometimes you want them to, sometimes you need them to end. Sometimes, even more finally, they die.
I have, however, learned that even though you never expect this to happen-you hope even that it never happens-it does happen and most times there is nothing you can do about it. In all of these happenings, I have also learned that you survive each and every 'leaving', each and every season, each and every encounter.
I can't promise that it gets easier with time. I can't promise that the dull nagging ache will eventually leave your heart. I definitely can't promise that the 'leaving' will end soon enough, but what i can promise is that it will not kill you and that whatever does not kill you surely will make you stronger. I can also guarantee that sometimes the 'leaving' creates a little more room to encounter the vast riches of the human experience; where knowing people has it's seasons and is usually for a reason. I can say it leaves no room for doubt that when the rubber hits the road the only person you have for sure is you and God, so you might as well nurture that relationship. I can also say that every chance encounter is not without its purpose.
After all is said and done, it makes you a stronger, wiser, richer and more mature person and i sure as anything can guarantee that all of this is worth every throbbing ache you'd ever feel.
I should know!

Please forgive me.

Xxxx
When I saw you lying on that hospital bed reality hit me, hard. I realized how close i was to losing you forever. I knew i couldn't go another day without saying what I've needed to say for the longest time. These words are my own, from my heart: 

For every furrow I ever put in your brow.

For every teardrop I let come to your eye.

For every frown I ever let crease your face.

For every word of anger I let come from your lips.

For every nick I put in your heart.

For every sour taste I left in your mouth.

For every memory I left in your thought.

For every restless night I gave you.

For every worrisome day I caused you.

For not letting you know how much you mean to me.

For loving you a little too much for your good.

For every moment of regret I made you feel.

For not leaving your life better than I met it.

For ever hurting you in even the slightest way.

For everything wrong I ever did.

For everything right I'd never do.

For all of these and more,

With my hat (and gloves) in hand, my puppy dog face in place, fingers pulling at my ears...I am really truly very sorry and I apologize for being my selfish, silly, reckless self.

In case I never let you know before, I cared for you-a great deal-and I probably always will. It never wavered and it endures still.

Please forgive me for being typically me. :(
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